I attempted to address several themes from Maggie Nelson's work in Bluets. One of these themes was reevaluating trauma, love, and heartbreak, with an acceptance that the pain you felt has happened and will not itself change. One of the passages that struck me most in regard to this theme was when Nelson inquires, "Is to be in love with blue, then, to be in love with a disturbance? Or is the love itself the disturbance? And what kind of madness is it anyway, to be in love with something constitutionally incapable of loving you back?" This, of course, is done in the context of colors and color (specifically blue) as an attempt to heal/make sense of her lost love. Nelson then goes on to say "Are you sure--one would like to ask--that it cannot love you back?" I responded to the questions she poses and the back-and-forth dialogue she has with herself regarding this love and this affinity for blue, especially when someone does not love you back as you once loved them. I also wanted to address the theme of letting go of heartache/pain and moving on from depression/trauma. Nelson exposes her journey through this throughout the glimpses into her experiences with therapists, but one of the most formative thematic moments is when she states, "Stop working against the world, I counseled myself. Love the one you're with. Love the color green. But I did not love the green, nor did I want to have to love it or pretend to love it. The most I can say is I abided it." I also responded to Nelson's idea that "letter writing" would make one feel "less alone."
The process I use to formulate my response was letter-writing. As I mentioned previously, Nelson herself discloses the benefits of writing in the form of letters, as it could make someone feel "less alone." I have never publicly delved into the issues I was addressing here; I have never written something so personal about this period in my life, and so I wanted to do something that felt safer and more comfortable than just prose, or essays, or poetry, as Nelson pointed out. I felt that I could most effectively address Nelson's themes through this fictitious letter exchange because I did not have to give much context to what I was saying; in this scenario, I was addressing someone who already has an idea of why I am contacting them, and thus I felt I could be more effectively subtle. Another Process I used was recording this letter. I incorporated audio for both personal and artistic reasons. In the relationship this is based on, we used to write love letters and poems to one another and read them out loud to each other. And so, on a personal level, I wanted to incorporate that into this response to be consistent with this story's mythology. Artistically, I wanted to give the audience a second medium through which to understand this story so that they could more intimately see the perspective of the writer (who is speaking) and the recipient, since they are, in a way, receiving this message, even if they are not actually the abuser/antagonist. I also used the process of including an initial attempt to write this letter, like the prose, with responses in green. I wanted this to represent the difficulty in harnessing one's thoughts and feelings surrounding trauma and heartbreak and to create a well thought-out response. I believe this is important so that the audience can feel how personal this issue is. I believe that these processes warranted equal concern because they are important to comprehensively tell the story that the letter-writer is putting out there. For a multi-faceted personal experience, this is necessary.
The limitation of these processes were actually being able to write about this topic. As I mentioned before, I have never written publicly about any of this, and I have never done an artistic interpretation of what I have gone through. I was afraid of the recipient finding out about this post and this fake letter, and I was afraid of backlash. They do allow a bit of risk to be put into this work, which I think may further open the discourse around sexual assault and interpersonal partner violence. I think this allows the reader to feel there is some risk in them reading it as well. This is a story people may be invested in, even if it is a traumatic one. Another limitation was good audio-recording quality. However, I do think the lack of professional sound equipment and just using a computer headset did allow a sense of realness to the piece. What I mean by that is it may think that someone is actually talking to you in person or a friend is reading a letter to you.
Initially, I was going to include music in the background of the audio recording, but I thought it was more important for the audience to focus on the words and intonation than music. I wanted the audience to be able to feel every word if they were paying attention. That is what led me to that decision. Again, I chose to do a letter format--with a screen play-esque beginning--because it allowed someone to peak into a scenario as opposed to being given all of the details of the story. Another decision I made was to highlight some of the font as green, and I wanted this because I wondered why nothing beyond the cover of Nelson's book was blue. Perhaps it did signal an understanding of the search for blue and closure, but even in the moments in which she is working through these ideas, I was surprised she did not have any blue font/images/etc. Thus, I wanted to incorporate some green font into my response; I personally hoped this would signified the healing the letter-writer admitted to at the end of the letter.
Through this response, I learned that to write about trauma and assault is difficult, but it can be cathartic. I feel incredibly vulnerable, but I believe that writing it as a letter to the recipient does not feel like I am sharing too many details or am exposing myself too much. I also was able to appreciate and utilize some of Nelson's tone and writing methods. After writing this response, I have thought more about the colors in my life that I subconsciously valued and considered. It was not until I read Nelson's book that I was even able to conceptualize my relationship in the context of color.
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