I did my alter/ memoir on memories and things that make me happy. The first thing you see in my video is a picture of me and my cross country team in high school at a starting line. Along with the picture is a track number that you stick on before you run your race and a 1st place medal. Track was a very important time in my life and it's one of the best memories that I have.
Next in my video i have a family photo because i love family and even though mine is tiny, there is so much love between us. After the family photo i have the infamous Rutgers "R" because without Rutgers I would probably not be in school right now. Then i have a dream catcher and a little note. The dream catcher means alot to me. I have them scattered all across my room and have a large tattoo of one. The little note is from my roommate that says "Just because you're amazing." Me and my roommate randomly leave each other little sticky notes to uplift one another and to make each others day.
After the sticky note i have a wine glass and a picture of me and my boyfriend. I used the wine glass because who doesnt love wine and because it has cheetah on it which i used to be obsessed with. The picture of my boyfriend is there because he makes me happy and is capable of dealing with my crazy ways as best as possible.
Lastly I have photos of me and my brother and a purple ribbon, The purple ribbon stands for Awareness of Domestic Violence and this hits close to home. My mother was a victim of domestic violence and almost lost her life to it. The ribbon is in front of the picture we hung in the hospital for my mom so that she had motivation to keep fighting and not give up. Then i have photos of me and my brother and elephants. Elephants never walk the same path twice and that is why i have become so intrigued with them. The photos of my brother are there because he is my rock when things get tough.
I dedicate my shrine to my best friend from high school Maria Topolski and added items that reminded me of her and connected our friendship. She currently a student at American University in
DC and we occasionally meet up but it's so drastically different when compared to the weekends we spent together in high school. I can confidently say we almost everywhere in NJ at this point, Maria loves to drives and doesn't care about distance. We once drove all the Philadelphia to just get donuts.we were friends back in 8th grade but we became really close after taking hinese together in high school and then going to china together in 2013. Each item i picked tells a story about the person that is maria and and our adventures as friends. The first piece I decided on was the music which is a polish song by weekend ona tańczy dla mnie. Maria is very proud of her polish heritage and through being her friend i have spent many afternoons eating fresh perogies her mom has made or cheered for legia warszawaalongside her and her brother.I picked the song Ona tańczy dla mnie because we always played that song when driving around. It's the only polish song that I kinda know the lyrics and sound decent trying to recreate. Its also very high energy which one way i would describe maria. I placed a picture of maria from her elementary school days in india for a visual representation. I also find it funny when looking around for photos i had of her i only had a picture she gave me from her childhood.The next item is my phone and we that as our main form of communication. Living so far away from each other now makes interacting hard but we try really hard to text each other everyday. The Photo Booth pictures and id represent one of the first and last things we did in high school together. We happened to get our freshman pictures with each other all the way to Prom which was our final school event together. The bracelet and pouch are both souvenirs maria got from me when she went to Turkey. The postcard of the Great Wall of China represents our trip to China together and memory of climbing the wall together. China was such an important factor in our friendship becoming so strong, we had that shared experience of traveling overseas together and studying Chinese. The medicine represents maria’s anxieties and her hypochondriac tendencies. Throughout her friend she has always me medical questions or made her exam her back for scoliosis. She believes in my diagnosis since my mom's a doctor but i have no medical knowledge. She really likes eggs,that her favorite breakfast food. I picked the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell because It's a book we both read in english class and i think it's kinda describes who we were in high school, kind on the outside of each group of friends but making our own small outlying group.she really likes she sugar but she goes crazy if she has to much.The shirt for Sigma Phi Epsilon is from my recent trip during halloween and a memory from DC. We got the shorts after playing in the frats Wiffle ball game which was really fun and we got the nickname GDI’s (God Damn Individuals) since every group we beat were sorority teams and we were just a random group of new jersey girls. The last shirt says lake placid which is upstate New York and is the place my family spend our summers. I've gone up with maria twice already and we always have fun hiking and being in nature. All the items represent some aspect of maria from the time i've met her to right now.
I did my alter in honor of my late Poppop. It's been three years without him now and the things that make me most happy is looking at photos of him and listening to his favorite songs. The first photos I show in the frames are some of my favorites of him and me. The top one is my ABSOLUTE favorite. The song I play in the video is called Movin' by Brass Construction. It was one of his favorite songs. Supposedly when my mom was young, he played that record everytime he got in the car. I also panned the camera to the window because my poppop partook in a lot of yard work and kept our lawn and outside of my house looking really nice. I feel he would've liked my view.
I decided to create my altar inside, and it is for my friend, SoYoung who is currently in the hospital right now. I put the stuff that she made for me, as well as a letter that I wrote for her. I also put the candle there as well to symbolize the light during a time of darkness. At this time, she is supposed to be a first-semester college freshmen, however ever since she got sick in August she hasn't been able to do any of the things other students her age got to do. So I am dedicating this altar for her.
She wrote a letter to me, and made it in a little mailbox card. So I wrote a letter back and put it in the "mailbox" for her to read when she wakes up.
This week, I constructed an altar for my chosen family, i.e. my friends. I wanted to pay tribute to how much their support, guidance, love, and community means to me. It helped me survive and thrive despite some of the hardest, most challenging years of my life. I could not be here without them, but they have given me something even deeper than just making me feel happy and loved. Over the past several years, my friends completely deconstructed everything I had thought about my purpose in life and what I aspire to be/attain. They allowed me to see that platonic (and in a particular case, romantic) relationships, filled with love and compassion, are what I need and what I want. I want transformative relationships, a community, a family. The importance of the "biological" family has been forced onto me since I can remember, but now my aspiration for family has widened to accept (and prefer) those I have chosen to be in my life, and vice-versa.
1. I wanted the altar to take place in the apartment I share with my partner, on top of our new (and inexpensive) rug. This setting is incredibly important to me; over the past few years, through the lowest of the lows and good moments, I felt like I have not had a place to call my home. This apartment, although not ideal, is starting to feel like the home I have wanted in my young adult life. I finally have a space I can call my own, and I feel comfortable. Also, it is not just the space for my partner and me; this space has been occupied by our friends and loved ones since we moved in, and that is almost as important as us living here together. In a way, the rug symbolizes us making small steps to make this space feel like a home.
2. The cat was intended to be the centerpiece of the altar because he is the centerpiece of my/our life/lives. As a long time cat owner who felt like affectionate, dog-like cats were fallacies other cat owners deluded themselves into believing existed, meeting Cat (that is his name) was one of the best things that's happened to me in the past several years. Seriously. I love animals; I just love the idea of caring for something that has the capacity to reciprocate in its own way (hopefully not with their teeth; re: my childhood cat, Sherbetr). He is technically my partner's cat, but his past roommates over the past several years have also bonded with cat. He is constantly a conversation piece among my friends. He is such a loving, spiteful, third roommate, and his inability to cooperate in the video perfectly captured his inconsistent and misunderstood love that made him an important aspect of this altar. I am so glad my partner found him under a car in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot eight years ago, just so he could be in this video.
3. The music, although not visible in this video, is another important aspect of my altar. The song playing is "Myth" by Beach House. I usually do not listen to ambient music like this, but several weekends ago, my partner's old roommates (i.e. my best friends--seriously, each of them became family when my partner lived with them last year) visited our new apartment for the first time. I was nervous because us moving out was an incredibly emotional and hurtful process. When they came over, as we drank and ate way too much, they played this song. It resonated with me because it was a moment in which I realized that the pain of us moving and inconsistent hanging out was not the death sentence to our friend family; sure, we still have to navigate hard feelings and "drama", but for them to make the effort to come out to our place and just hang like we used to meant so much. It gave me hope that friends do not always have to disappear when circumstances change. That is why I included this song as the backdrop to the altar-building.
4. The Incredible Hulk poster was a house-warming gift from my friend Aleena. It meant so much to have her think of something I like (comics) and then get a gift that could make our apartment feel more like home. It was thoughtful and felt weirdly mature, but I appreciate it because, again, I feel like the friends I have chosen hopefully will stay with me throughout tough transitions in life.I
5. The Secret Wars mini poster is a relic from when my friend Meghan and I went to Atlantic City Comic Con together. This was one of the best Comic Con experiences I have ever had. I love thinking back to this because I am not used to going on excursions with people I have not known for a long time, and I was always wary of Meghan and her boyfriend (who is also one of my good friends) truly liking me as a friend. However, going to this Comic Con and sleeping over Tyler's house (Meghan's boyfriend) solidified our friendship. I felt/feel so grateful that they welcomed me like that, and they are also former roommates of my partner. This post is a monument to the growth of our friend family.
6. The Baileys are representative of the acceptance and love of my friend Ashley. This girl has been my best of the best friend for several years. She has seen me through the darkest times; I sometimes take for granted how much she has helped me get through the dregs of my own mistakes and bad circumstances. My apartment is located in the town that Ashley lives in, and I was afraid that she would not like coming here because we would miss living together. However, since we moved in, Ashley has tried to bring normalcy to our lives again by bringing over alcohol while we watch our weekly television shows. For fall, she brought a lot of Baileys. Similar to the other altar items, these bottles make me feel like my friends are invested in accommodating and appreciating the new chapters of my life.
7. Of course, Uncle Bernie had to make an appearance. My partner got me this action figure--long after Clinton (wrongfully) "won" the nomination, and it just has so many emotions behind it. It reminds me about how talking/learning about Bernie and advocating for him during the primaries really gave our friend group a sense of political unity. Bernie also gave me a point of connection with friends I never thought were political. It reminds me of the communities I am a part of and the diversity of opinions/levels of political engagement. I included this action figure because my partner is one of my best friends and it meant so much to have him think of me unprompted, but it also reminds me of the unlikely friends I made through political activism/organizing. They are truly great people; I hope the communities I am honored to be a part of continue to grow, despite Bernie not being our next POTUS.
8. The raccoon was included in the altar because my partner got it for me during one of our first trips to Target together. I usually do not like being that sappy (just kidding, I am a freaking sap), but it just felt so comfortable and safe to be able to do something mundane like shopping with my partner and pick up a silly plastic animal together. My partner is an important part of my friend family.
9. The "Zumbis Para Colorir" book is a coloring book in Portuguese that my two friends got for me during their trip to Brazil. These women have deeply impacted my life and my own frameworks of thinking, respectively. One of them was a former roommate, and she is a powerhouse. They both are, truly. Meeting and becoming friends with these two strong, brilliant, compassionate women has changed my life forever. I love them dearly; they have inspired me to find power within vulnerability and perseverance. That is why I included this book in my altar. Their friendship has given me support and comfort.
10. The green box is a tiny jewelry box that was given to me by a good friend when he went to Poland. I included this for several reasons. 1. This person was my partner's former roommate. 2. He was a major part in fostering our friend family. 3. He has become one of my best friends, even though I met him as my best friend's love interest/eventual boyfriend. He has shown me that I am able to cultivate healthy relationships and friendships with guys, and his sense of humor is so similar to mine it is scary. To be at the point where he got me a gift when he went to Poland feels like I have worked through so much toxic behavior that I have been familiar with in friendships.
11. The Strong Female Character shirt is included because it is the shirt I wore to the first Halloween party I went to after leaving my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. Wearing this t-shirt, feeling vulnerable by going to a party with people I barely knew, made me confront my insecurity of people not liking me, and it made me feel a connection to the shirt said. Although I would confront some horrible lows after that moment, I still felt like, after leaving a toxic relationship, that I was on the path to gaining some strength. The people surrounding me at that party would be a big part of that.
12. The Deadpool hat is, again, a monument to my friend Ashley. She has supported every one of my hobbies and interests, and that unconditional support (for the most part) is what gives me hope and the feeling that I have more in life to look forward to.
13. The If/Then mug is also a monument to my best friend Ashley. Our shared love of musicals has transcended into an actual hobby (taking part in community theater), a point of nostalgia, and a mutual love that has stayed constant over the years when so much has changed. It is a a constant that I appreciate.
14. The tiny zine is from a person who is actually not a close friend of mine. She sent me this zine because she offered to give some away for free on a Facebook status. I shyly messaged her that I was interested. Although we do not have a close connection or know much about each other, I greatly respect her and am honored that she shared such a personal, powerful zine with me about mental health. It makes me believe that I should take more risk in meeting people and opening up to people/letting people open up to me.
15. The stuffed otter is from my best friend Anna. She has practically saved me these past few years. She is the center of our friend family. There is so much I could say about her, but I just needed to pay tribute to her separately from everyone else because of how much I depend on her. My ability to see friendship as a transformative experience that can lead to community and a chosen family is in great part thanks to her. I love her so much. She is one of the biggest inspirations of my life, and I am honored to be a part of hers.
So for my memorial I made a cross with flowers. This is to symbolize where I am in life and to also thank who got me here. I used vibrant colors like red and pink flowers to cover the cross and put the cross in a "outside" like setting. The vibrant colors also symbolize my current state of happiness and self satisfaction. The black roses symbolizes the trial and tribulations I have gone through which clouded who I was and the pink roses symbolizes blessings I hadn't recognize as blessings.
I created a skateboard alter, using multiple different items to represent what I grew up on. Still to this day I love skateboarding, and I believe this best represents my identity. The items I used to represent this are..
1. A complete skateboard setup
2. A small magazine (Skate Jawn)
3. A pair of skateboard trucks
4. Wax, for waxing curbs or ledges to grind on
5. Some pieces of hardware
6. A Vans Shirt
7. A pair of Vans skate shoes
My memoir was done on poster paper and on it I am showing a couple of good memories based on my undergrad years here at Rutgers, being that this is my last year. On the poster you see the R magnet which i put but as a student we receive so many of those and they follow me everywhere i go. Throughout college I was always living on campus sharing a room and finally as a senior i was able to live off campus with ,y own room. This taught me what responsibilities really were with having to cook pay bills etc. On the house i wrote the number 8 because i live with 8 wonderful girls who i love and adore. This past summer i lost two close friends of mine and this was a really hard time for me. The crocodile is a symbol of me finally going to the bar to get my first fish bowl LOL. I was got my first credit card. The results card was added because i was finally directed t a new doctor for my condition and hopefully i finally get answers. i also put the beer pong ball because we played that game so many times during the summer and I'm so tired of it. https://youtu.be/5Uld47MOckw
My alter is dedicated to my boyfriend, Rob (the one in all the blog pictures). He is the only family I have and the most important person in my life, so I felt he was deserving of this monument. He works in landscaping/masonry, so the items reflect on not only his profession, but our love of nature and the simple things in life.
List of Rob's items in my monument
1. Favorite camouflage sweatshirt
2. Workboots
3. Used pair of gardening gloves
4.Favorite food- Chocolate cupcakes baked by me :)
5. Hello kitty cupcake holder-used for all our celebrations
As a side note: This video was shot in our backyard in Clinton, NJ. Included in the video is our favorite trees to sit under, our American flag, and our bird feeders. Rob was the cameraman for this video and he insisted on it taking place outdoors; despite the bitter cold because it is our favorite place to spend time together and we enjoy the sounds of the birds that frequent our feeders at home. Although I realize I will not be able to replicate this moment when I reconstruct the alter at school, I felt it was important to emphasize this thought process and it's original intention.
I added to my response 1,2,3 JUMP, because the same feeling that I get while running is the same feeling I got when I went skydiving. My heart in my stomach, the same nervousness before the gun goes off is the same feeling right before you jump. They're two completely different things but they both have given me the same feeling. I was so nervous to go skydiving but I ended up loving it the same way I was nervous to join track but now it's my favorite thing to do competitively and on my spare time when I need to wusa.
2. Joints and ligaments, pounding against the track
3. Muscles tense and constrain, hands curl inward, green medal slaps vacant skin. Faint cries ring in dissonant thoughts
4. Eyelids widen, pulses race, as frantic strides cover lengths that baffle logic
5. Struggling to keep steps within streaks as she approaches me
6. Footsteps reach marks, a blast from anxious limbs 7. My heart doesn't feel like it is in my body anymore 8. Driving trained mechanisms, I don't feel anything, I can't feel a thing
9. Frantic screams as hands snap up, green smacking palm, as legs take away
My body is like the world, a heartbeat, the waves on a cloudy day, the time on your watch. Better yet my body is like the blood that runs through your vein, THEY NEVER STOP MOVING.
See at first glance, coming into high school I expected everything to go just as fine as it did in elementary and middle school. Good grades, new friends, playing on a team, ouuuu and boys, can’t forget about the boys. But no school came first. What about that sport that both your older sisters play? Volleyball was a must. I assumed that because both of my sisters were good at it, it must have ran through the family.
FYI I sucked freshman year.
How About that orange that I was so eager to eat that caused me to lose my balance and lose my teeth around the age of 6.
Volleyball became my escape. It was my reminder that you can do anything you set your mind to it was my reminder that no one can stop me it was my reminder that I should never limit myself. just like the orange. It taught me to get back up every time I fall and try again.
Volleyball took over my heart. It molded me into what i would consider a strong women and to continue to push myself after my first encounter with the “unknown”. Maybe I was dehydrated or maybe it was my diet or maybe it was genetics or maybe maybe no one knows. Maybe it was the orange, who knows.
4 years later. I am now 10.
Finally maybe some answers to the unknown. The unknown of what these needle stabbing, paralyzing feelings were about. Maybe finally I can learn to control the pain control the stiffness control my ability to walk control the soreness that came afterwards. But no, no answers. I just continued to play Volleyball. I was going through pain because I wanted to beat the other schools. It was my last year and as Captain I needed to be there for my team.
I wanted to beat them just as bad as i wanted to beat the orange for having me walking around with a chipped tooth.
Pain is temporary. “You got this, just do as much as you can” that’s all I would tell myself throughout the game.
Charley Horse? Impossible, worse than that. another orange? maybe, i mean why not?
Spreading spreading was the blood after that horrible fall. I was only three steps away from the ground.
Practicing became my insecurity. “You ladies go ahead I’ll catch up to you”. The unknown was finally taking over. Running became like a car running on really low gas. How much further can I go? Should I stop or should I push it? Practice was the only way to get me into shape so I couldn't let the unknown win this battle. Finally, my last year on the volleyball team we received new uniforms. Not only did this mean we’ll get more attention with the spandex but it meant that people will be able to see what I like to describe as the war within my legs. The war that began because of my love for chasing a ball and never letting it touch the floor even if it meant that i will hit the floor and have difficulties getting back up. The war that proved to me that being able to play two rounds of a game was not impossible.
Whenever I think of volleyball I think of stairs, heat, zumba, determination, the color pink, power, strength. I think about the cheers the music the spiking, jamming fingers, wrapped ankles, angry coaches, happy coaches, mistakes, and teamwork. Because of the unknown I became more attached to volleyball. I was attached to the idea that i can still walk and run. I was attached like a newborn baby to its mother and never wanting to be put down. I didn't want to eat oranges anymore. they always remind me about that day and how I couldn't go to the corner store to get candy but i had to clean up.
I had a dream not to long ago that I was no longer at my best at playing Volleyball and that scared me. The serves that took me about half a semester were now gone. I was no longer strong, I became weak but for some reason I still kept serving the ball until it made it over the net just as it did during my games.
Why are you still known as the unknown that has now taken over my entire body. Serving the ball was now complicated because returning to my spot felt as if i had my feet stuck in cement.
I graduated. The unknown remains as the unknown but volleyball continues to stay in my life.
The still eat oranges but they are not my favorite
I decided to add the story of when I lost my front tooth because I was eating an orange. I have a vivid memory of this day because my grandmother and I were heading out to the corner store for snacks but we couldn't after my fall because I had to clean myself up. She went without me but even after that I had to go to school with a missing tooth which was embarrassing. My grandmother was definitely more important than volleyball but I decided to add the two together because both had a huge impact on my life. The day I fell my grandmother literally just picked me up and said "you're okay". She never babied me and i feel like this is also one of the reasons as to why i didn't quit volleyball. She
My strong affinity for the color pink and my strange attraction for the color black makes me wonder about who I am. Why those two colors? Why is my favorite color no longer sky blue?
Initially, I thought I liked pink because people said it suits me. They said black looks good too. But it wasn't people's opinions I was concerned about--I was already loving black and pink so much people started to notice a pattern in me.
I went through a change in my life, a die hard blue lover to a pink and black maniac?
In many ways, I found that blue eventually did not suit me, and who I am as a person.
1. When I'm black, I guard my emotions, my face turns stiff. I keep away those who hurt me, but I find myself to be in such despair that it is hard to come out of the darkness. I wallow in the shadows, tears streaming from my eyes because I know no one can see me.
2. When I'm pink, I like to show that I'm pink. Hi, I'm Ellen. I'm bright, bubbly, and approachable. I promise that I am. You might feel uncomfortable with black at first, but black is nice once you get to meet her.
3. I lost half of my identity when I lost my pink lipstick. My bright pink lips is who I am. I feel naked without it. I don't feel like talking anymore.
4. I'm feeling sadder. Black is taking over me. Orange does not suit me. Red does not suit me. Brown does not suit me as well. My lips miss pink. Melancholy moments...
5. Pink, Pink, Pink. My pink jacket rests on the chair in front of me. I admire the pinkness, and I wear it almost everyday.
5 (1/2) Strawberry is black. The night sky is pink. Flower petals are black. The wet soil is pink.
6. But then I notice, that the amount of pink clothes that I own are getting smaller. I see more black. I specifically told black to stay away. But black doesn't stay away. Black keeps coming, in her chicness.
7. Black is lonely, so I try to cheer her up. It's hard to take care of black. I prefer pink, but black bothers me.
8. Pink finally came back. I have the best day ever. I love pink. Pink makes me feel graceful, beautiful, and happy. Black is nowhere to be seen.
9. I forget about black for a few days. No longer quiet, lonely, or chic. Pink makes me feel warm, and honestly I can live without black.
10. I'm crying. The worst day. The day when your best friend turns your back on you, your grade for the latest exam is horrible, and your favorite grandpa who always loves you the most passes away. Pink couldn't find a way to comfort me. I see black pitifully staring at me in the corner.
What I added to my writing was a different perspective. I personified the colors, but I go on and off, depending on what number it is. I made it more personal, and how these colors affect my life and my personality. Of course, I feel like I'm made up of more than those two colors, but I wanted to emphasize the main part about me, what I feel, and those colors physically and metaphorically change my life. I go into a bit of a story, which is also what I added, because in my previous one, I listed everything that I felt was pink and black. (Basically, I added depth, story, and a slightly different perspective in my list).
I chose to add the color yellow to my poem from last week
because it is the opposite of purple in regards to the color wheel. I feel this
gave me a different perspective on purple because I could contrast the colors
and show their distinct qualities as colors. I actually found it easier to
describe yellow with adjectives because yellow is a happy color and I consider
myself a happy person. I liked describing purple more though because I liked
seeing how my favorite color was described by many people, including myself.
For me, writing this piece has been cyclical and fluid in
the same way that glass melting is, or that digesting fruit is. As I mentioned
in my Week 5 Analysis, I identify with Maggie Nelson’s struggle with letting go
of a past lover. Heartbreak and bouncing back from it has been a painful yet
rewarding cycle for me, with admittedly a lot of growth but never much stability
from any partner besides myself. In continuing my piece, I wanted to address
how terrifying it is to let someone in again after you have worked so hard to
be comfortable on your own. More than anything, I have second-guessed myself. I
have never been part of a healthy relationship, mainly because I struggled with
substance abuse for so many years. My longest time being single began with my
last breakup and my sobriety. When I got clean I was able reassess my previously
poor character judgments. The kinds of partners (and friends) I had been
choosing ranged from incompatible with me, to truly terrible people. This would’ve
been obvious to most people with any amount of intuition. In my piece I wanted
to touch on what it feels like to try to trust your intuition again, and to let
someone in. I found it to be a confusing but interesting journey.
