This week, I constructed an altar for my chosen family, i.e. my friends. I wanted to pay tribute to how much their support, guidance, love, and community means to me. It helped me survive and thrive despite some of the hardest, most challenging years of my life. I could not be here without them, but they have given me something even deeper than just making me feel happy and loved. Over the past several years, my friends completely deconstructed everything I had thought about my purpose in life and what I aspire to be/attain. They allowed me to see that platonic (and in a particular case, romantic) relationships, filled with love and compassion, are what I need and what I want. I want transformative relationships, a community, a family. The importance of the "biological" family has been forced onto me since I can remember, but now my aspiration for family has widened to accept (and prefer) those I have chosen to be in my life, and vice-versa.
1. I wanted the altar to take place in the apartment I share with my partner, on top of our new (and inexpensive) rug. This setting is incredibly important to me; over the past few years, through the lowest of the lows and good moments, I felt like I have not had a place to call my home. This apartment, although not ideal, is starting to feel like the home I have wanted in my young adult life. I finally have a space I can call my own, and I feel comfortable. Also, it is not just the space for my partner and me; this space has been occupied by our friends and loved ones since we moved in, and that is almost as important as us living here together. In a way, the rug symbolizes us making small steps to make this space feel like a home.
2. The cat was intended to be the centerpiece of the altar because he is the centerpiece of my/our life/lives. As a long time cat owner who felt like affectionate, dog-like cats were fallacies other cat owners deluded themselves into believing existed, meeting Cat (that is his name) was one of the best things that's happened to me in the past several years. Seriously. I love animals; I just love the idea of caring for something that has the capacity to reciprocate in its own way (hopefully not with their teeth; re: my childhood cat, Sherbetr). He is technically my partner's cat, but his past roommates over the past several years have also bonded with cat. He is constantly a conversation piece among my friends. He is such a loving, spiteful, third roommate, and his inability to cooperate in the video perfectly captured his inconsistent and misunderstood love that made him an important aspect of this altar. I am so glad my partner found him under a car in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot eight years ago, just so he could be in this video.
3. The music, although not visible in this video, is another important aspect of my altar. The song playing is "Myth" by Beach House. I usually do not listen to ambient music like this, but several weekends ago, my partner's old roommates (i.e. my best friends--seriously, each of them became family when my partner lived with them last year) visited our new apartment for the first time. I was nervous because us moving out was an incredibly emotional and hurtful process. When they came over, as we drank and ate way too much, they played this song. It resonated with me because it was a moment in which I realized that the pain of us moving and inconsistent hanging out was not the death sentence to our friend family; sure, we still have to navigate hard feelings and "drama", but for them to make the effort to come out to our place and just hang like we used to meant so much. It gave me hope that friends do not always have to disappear when circumstances change. That is why I included this song as the backdrop to the altar-building.
4. The Incredible Hulk poster was a house-warming gift from my friend Aleena. It meant so much to have her think of something I like (comics) and then get a gift that could make our apartment feel more like home. It was thoughtful and felt weirdly mature, but I appreciate it because, again, I feel like the friends I have chosen hopefully will stay with me throughout tough transitions in life.I
5. The Secret Wars mini poster is a relic from when my friend Meghan and I went to Atlantic City Comic Con together. This was one of the best Comic Con experiences I have ever had. I love thinking back to this because I am not used to going on excursions with people I have not known for a long time, and I was always wary of Meghan and her boyfriend (who is also one of my good friends) truly liking me as a friend. However, going to this Comic Con and sleeping over Tyler's house (Meghan's boyfriend) solidified our friendship. I felt/feel so grateful that they welcomed me like that, and they are also former roommates of my partner. This post is a monument to the growth of our friend family.
6. The Baileys are representative of the acceptance and love of my friend Ashley. This girl has been my best of the best friend for several years. She has seen me through the darkest times; I sometimes take for granted how much she has helped me get through the dregs of my own mistakes and bad circumstances. My apartment is located in the town that Ashley lives in, and I was afraid that she would not like coming here because we would miss living together. However, since we moved in, Ashley has tried to bring normalcy to our lives again by bringing over alcohol while we watch our weekly television shows. For fall, she brought a lot of Baileys. Similar to the other altar items, these bottles make me feel like my friends are invested in accommodating and appreciating the new chapters of my life.
7. Of course, Uncle Bernie had to make an appearance. My partner got me this action figure--long after Clinton (wrongfully) "won" the nomination, and it just has so many emotions behind it. It reminds me about how talking/learning about Bernie and advocating for him during the primaries really gave our friend group a sense of political unity. Bernie also gave me a point of connection with friends I never thought were political. It reminds me of the communities I am a part of and the diversity of opinions/levels of political engagement. I included this action figure because my partner is one of my best friends and it meant so much to have him think of me unprompted, but it also reminds me of the unlikely friends I made through political activism/organizing. They are truly great people; I hope the communities I am honored to be a part of continue to grow, despite Bernie not being our next POTUS.
8. The raccoon was included in the altar because my partner got it for me during one of our first trips to Target together. I usually do not like being that sappy (just kidding, I am a freaking sap), but it just felt so comfortable and safe to be able to do something mundane like shopping with my partner and pick up a silly plastic animal together. My partner is an important part of my friend family.
9. The "Zumbis Para Colorir" book is a coloring book in Portuguese that my two friends got for me during their trip to Brazil. These women have deeply impacted my life and my own frameworks of thinking, respectively. One of them was a former roommate, and she is a powerhouse. They both are, truly. Meeting and becoming friends with these two strong, brilliant, compassionate women has changed my life forever. I love them dearly; they have inspired me to find power within vulnerability and perseverance. That is why I included this book in my altar. Their friendship has given me support and comfort.
10. The green box is a tiny jewelry box that was given to me by a good friend when he went to Poland. I included this for several reasons. 1. This person was my partner's former roommate. 2. He was a major part in fostering our friend family. 3. He has become one of my best friends, even though I met him as my best friend's love interest/eventual boyfriend. He has shown me that I am able to cultivate healthy relationships and friendships with guys, and his sense of humor is so similar to mine it is scary. To be at the point where he got me a gift when he went to Poland feels like I have worked through so much toxic behavior that I have been familiar with in friendships.
11. The Strong Female Character shirt is included because it is the shirt I wore to the first Halloween party I went to after leaving my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. Wearing this t-shirt, feeling vulnerable by going to a party with people I barely knew, made me confront my insecurity of people not liking me, and it made me feel a connection to the shirt said. Although I would confront some horrible lows after that moment, I still felt like, after leaving a toxic relationship, that I was on the path to gaining some strength. The people surrounding me at that party would be a big part of that.
12. The Deadpool hat is, again, a monument to my friend Ashley. She has supported every one of my hobbies and interests, and that unconditional support (for the most part) is what gives me hope and the feeling that I have more in life to look forward to.
13. The If/Then mug is also a monument to my best friend Ashley. Our shared love of musicals has transcended into an actual hobby (taking part in community theater), a point of nostalgia, and a mutual love that has stayed constant over the years when so much has changed. It is a a constant that I appreciate.
14. The tiny zine is from a person who is actually not a close friend of mine. She sent me this zine because she offered to give some away for free on a Facebook status. I shyly messaged her that I was interested. Although we do not have a close connection or know much about each other, I greatly respect her and am honored that she shared such a personal, powerful zine with me about mental health. It makes me believe that I should take more risk in meeting people and opening up to people/letting people open up to me.
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